


hard pressed

by Dresupi



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Adult Content, Crack, Dildos, Dum-E - Freeform, Established Relationship, F/M, Fade to Black, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 01:47:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18326213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dresupi/pseuds/Dresupi
Summary: Bruce walks in on Darcy doing something… well, it’s something alright.Darcy’s got some explaining to do, and the best way to do that is just complete honesty.No matter how crazy it sounds.





	hard pressed

**Author's Note:**

> _****_
> 
> _**Darcy Lewis April Fool’s Crack Challenge 2019** _
> 
> _Day 2: An Unexplainable Predicament to Explain_

Bruce didn’t like to think of himself as someone who stuck his nose where it didn’t belong. In fact, he usually only went one of three places in the new Avengers complex. The first was the lab, which was considerably smaller than the older one Tony had set up in Avengers Tower, but it was still pretty substantial. The second was his apartment. And the third was Darcy’s.

So he wasn’t  _ really _ involved with any of the interpersonal drama, so to speak. Darcy filled him in on almost everything, but he wasn’t in the thick of it. 

Which was why he  _ really _ wished he hadn’t walked into the thick of… whatever this was. Even if it did involve his girlfriend.  All he wanted was to duck into Darcy’s office and check to see if she wanted a coffee from the kitchen. But now…  _ this _ .

At first glance, it looked as though Darcy was controlling Dum-E through an app on her phone, instructing him to push against a panel by the open door, which was innocuous enough by itself. Darcy liked to fiddle with the bots, and Tony was only too happy to give her quick lessons. But there was something significantly  _ off _ this time.

Since Bruce was standing in the open door, Dum-E was rolling toward him. With an insanely huge dildo duct taped to his arm extension.

He liked to think of himself as a fairly smart guy, but there weren’t enough pieces to this puzzle. Bruce tilted his head before speaking, but it didn’t help his confusion at all. ”Um… what?”

Darcy looked at him like this was completely a normal, everyday occurrence. Like she always secured sex toys to the bots, and Bruce was the one with the problem. “What-what?”

Bruce raised his eyebrows. “Not to be one of  _ those _ guys, but I have to ask... what are you making Dum-E do? Is that thing strapped to his arm what I think it is? What are you making him do with it? And why?”

“Okay, you only asked me one  _ what _ . There were two extra ‘whats’ and a ‘why’ in there too.”

Bruce sighed. “Okay. How’s this? What? Why? And  _ Darcy _ ???”

She pressed something on her phone to pause the bot’s progress and pocketed it, holding both palms out in front of her in mock surrender before she spoke. “Okay, so there is a completely logical explanation for this, and you’ll just have to bear with me until I get through it.. Firstly, and most important, Tony grounded me from my door.”

He opened his mouth to speak, but she shushed him and continued. “And before you even suggest it, this is what happens when I ask FRIDAY for help.” She looked up at the ceiling. “FRIDAY? Can you shut my office door?”

“No, Ms. Lewis. Mr. Stark says it’s better for you to ‘move your ass’. It’s good for blood flow.”

She shot Bruce a frustrated look.

“FRIDAY can shut my office door,” he mused, figuring there was more coming. When it came to Tony and Darcy, there always was.

“Yeah, but I regularly ride Tony’s rear end for not going home and going to sleep and for practically living in this lab like some kind of goblin, so he’s getting me back by forcing me to do business without an office door. Which you think wouldn’t be a big deal, but you have no idea how many of the little interns want to stop and chat. Or how chatty Scott can be. About  _ everything _ .” She gestured around to her desk. “I have so much crap piling up and I need to close this.”

“Why don’t you just… apologize to Tony and get your door back?”

“And let him win, Banner? If I let him win, then he’ll know he has a wild card and I need at least the illusion of control or Tony will lapse into full-goblin. No one wants that. You don’t remember full-goblin, because the Other Guy yeeted you into outer space. You weren’t even on the planet for the last full-goblin episode.”

Bruce reached out and pressed the button, closing the door easily. “There.”

“Yeah, are you going to stay in here with me? Because that’s the only way it stays closed. You have to be in here for the door to stay closed.”

That was true. “I mean, I  _ could _ , but I have some stuff that I…”

“Right? So just… leave me and Dum-E and Nixon to our experiment.”

Bruce glanced over at the dildo, a veiny, comically large phallus that Dum-E was sporting. Apparently named Nixon.

“Nixon?” he asked, gesturing towards the extra appendage.

“Tricky Dick,” she countered with a shrug.

He smirked, reaching up to cover his mouth with his hand. “Of course. Can I ask why  _ he’s _ here as well?”

“Well… Dum-E can’t press the panel, it requires something with more… heft? Something meatier? That thing’s pretty thick. And made of silicone. I figure if it can work for a vagina, it’ll work for a door.”

“There’s a sentence I didn’t think I’d ever hear…” Bruce muttered, folding his arms and stepping back behind Darcy. “So try it. I need to see the end of this saga before I’ll be able to focus on my work.”

Darcy unpaused the program and started it up again. Dum-E slowly moved towards the panel, and when the dildo pressed against the contact area, it did nothing.

She sighed heavily. “Goddammit, Tony.”

“Sorry Nixon failed you…” Bruce said, crossing the floor to remove it from Dum-E’s ‘arm’. It was green. Veiny. Definitely something else vaguely  _ interesting  _ about it. He froze, his gaze catching a seal at the non-business end. It was licensed. And hell if he didn't recognize from where.

“Is this a…  _ Hulk _ dildo?” he asked, somewhere between alarmed and surprised Not that he and Darcy didn’t engage in amorous adventures, because they did.

Never anything with this…  _ girth _ , but to each their own.

The toy wasn’t accurate, not that it mattered.

“What…” His mouth fell open and Darcy quickly scurried over to him, ripping the silicone monstrosity from his hands. “Okay, so I know this looks awful, but I have an explanation for this too.”

He blinked, not upset in the slightest. More amused than anything else. Amused and inquisitive. “And I’d like to hear it.”

“First off, this hasn’t been used by me.”

“Okay… not sure if that’s better or worse...”

She blushed and reached out to playfully swat his arm. “I got it from Pepper’s bachelorette party. I won some naughty raffle and that was the grand prize. Since the party was here in the lab, I just tossed it in my desk drawer and forgot about it until today.”

“It’s a Hulk… product.”

She grinned. “It is. It’s like… a novelty. I’m sure women don’t use them…” She didn’t even sound like she believed that, but Bruce couldn’t really help but laugh a little.

“It’s… it’s fine. Far be it for me to judge…”

She narrowed her eyes in a mock-glare.“I don’t use it. I’d be the first to tell  you if I did.”

He reached over to wrap his arm around her waist, pulling her close. “Hey, I’m just kidding, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I still wish it would have closed the door. Might have been actually useful…”

Bruce reached around behind her back, grabbing the toy and stowing it in his bag. He reached for her hand and tugged her towards the door.

“It’s not even close to lunchtime…” she said, taking a few steps before stopping.

“Figured we could play hookey until Tony gives you back your door…” Bruce said, leaning down to nuzzle her neck.“We could go to your place… see if we could find another use for Nixon here…”

“ _ Dr. Banner _ …” She raised her eyebrows, her tone rising like she was scandalized, but Bruce knew her better than to believe that for a second.

He mirrored her expression, catching the blush rising in her cheeks and thrilling a little.

“Okay, so like everyone who ever said you were a nice boy lied to me,” Darcy said, laughing. “You are  _ not _ a nice boy if you want to use that on me.”

“I don’t want to use it on you. I just want to watch..”

“Still. You’re a dirty, dirty, boy.” Darcy teased.

“Hey. You’re the one with  _ this _ …” He gestured towards his bag. “You’re the corrupting influence.”

“I’ve never heard any complaints,” she countered, following him out the door.

“And you won’t.”

**Author's Note:**

> Have a great one! <3 <3 <3


End file.
